I cant get over you..

Dear XXXX,

I dream of you last nite. Not only last nite, last 2 days, last week, last month, I always dream of you. Funny thing is, I remember clearly, the dreams.. from second to second..
Last nite, i dream of you, talking to me, but i cant hear.. you were looking at me, eye to eye, but i cant hear anything.. but somehow, i understand that you were asking me to accept you back.. as always..

i can see only you in my dream.. i was hoping to see you in my dream every nite.. i miss you so much that i need to dream of you.. only way to see you and talk to you..


i did everything to get over you, to move on cause i cant hold this pain a lot longer.. it's killing me.. but, you are still there, one special corner in my heart..

pls go away from there.. dont let me love you or think about you.. pls..

Regards,
Me

retract

is this how things should work with management.. after a tough presentation, and QnA session was like an interrogation, i was happy indeed, becoz im clear with the direction and excited to finish off my task.. forget the painful and the embarassment... it's just a presentation anyway, whether i made a good or bad remark, im going to finish this task excellently and made a good impression..

somehow, i was half way thru.. almost done.. instuction is to RETRACT.. wtf.. it's almost finish.. and retract was suddenly not in any oxford dictionary.. i dont understand.. it was my fucking time, my fucking sweat to do this.. helo mgmt, pls, if you want to make it right, make it from beginning.. this is fatal, disaster.. what a lost..

can i retract this mgmt.. can i.. can i..i desperately want to do so.. sob sob.. poor me.. im almost done..

missing the groom

thoughts of him bothering me again today.. very badly.. no matter how much i wanted to push it way, it keep coming.. really hard to survive a break up.. especially the other one left to marry someone else.. lots of thoughts.. too hurt to spell everything here..

i was in kampung for 2 days.. one of my closest cousin got married today.. morning was the nikah followed by sanding 1 hour later.. really organized kenduri and i really tabik all the orang kampung that were helping out.. the nikah was really touchy.. still playing in the back of my mind.. there was a moment, after the ijabkabul, the groom put his palms on the bride's head and the bride's is nodding willlingly.. he was reading an oath to take care of her, to be with her forever.. makes me realize, marriage is a holy thing.. it's not just legal sex.. we dont only see bonding between the bride and groom, but also families, life, problems, love..

i guess, this is a petunjuk dan hidayah..

i realize, in my heart, i really have to let him go fully and sincerely.. he's bonded with a holy marriage.. recognized by God that they belong together.. he's belong to someone else, someone else's families, life and problems..

new friends..

nice gathering of four of us last nite.. sume age around 30 and single.. this is my first meeting with 2 of them.. yg lagi sorang, dah biasa gi holiday dgn dia.. we know about each other in a forum site.. debate after debate, followed by jokes makes us clicked with each other..

at McD ss15, it was good tapi one of them was a bit malu2 and sometime over.. well first meeting.. tak apela sgt.. we talked and laugh at each other.. we are surrounded by college chicks and guys and we couldnt be bothered with them.. i was the only who dressed properly.. i was the laughingstock all nite coz all of them wearing baju sempoi.. bukan dressed up sgt.. it's just me la.. sweat shirt with tudung and jeans.. i dont wear shorts atau sluar steng utk kuar lepak malam2..

being 30 is not so bad tho.. seronok jugak making new friends mcm ni..

invisible

im dying to go to my cousin's wedding.. this saturday..
somehow, i was told to stay in the hotel room or be invisible during the wedding..

how sad..

the caffien is killing me..

i cant concentrate..
my last coffee was 7 hours ago during sahur.. 8 more hours to go to sip another..

why cant i let go this.. im so married to coffee.. even my blood smells like coffee..

shocked and fooled

today, i was shocked, fooled, happy, angry at the same time..

• shocked as i was the last to know.. i accidentaly browse his blog.. apparently, he updated his blog that he is recently married to a lovely lady.. i always thot that he is not the marrying kind.. the kind that can commit.
• fooled coz he's already engaged when we had a fling after i did the calculation from the wedding date in the blog.. i just break off with another ex (err yg aku rasa dia soulmate tu lah and im not proud of this, really.. by the way, he also left me for a so-called family arranged marriage).. it was A fling.. one time kiss and hug semasa zaman jahiliyahku..
• happy coz he is married to someone that he loves dearly.. he took quite a time off since his last relationship, abt 10 years.. his ex happened to be a close friend of mine.. she's also happily married with 2 kids..
• angry coz that explains the shock on his face when i bumped into him with his wife (i didnt know that she's the wife, ingatkan gf ke apa) in cineleisure damansara.. i was smiling at him but he just turn his back on me and drag the wife to the other side.. i was puzzled and stunned..

i will not be this angry if he had told me earlier.. why thru blog.. why cant even call me or at least sms me.. we were friends for years.. i will not punish him for the fling we had that nite.. it was silly, it was raining ,it was cold and i was fragile..

i totally get it..

aku rasa bodoh sangat..

Things happen for reasons..

This blog been idle for some time.. i was busy updating the other blog.. the happy blog and this is the sad blog.. not that i had a good time these days, i need to pretend happy for some people to make them happy.. thru my blog.. whatever..

What's new.. i got back with my ex and he filled me with empty hopes.. he left me 2 weeks before his wedding thru sms.. there was no closure, no thank you and no good luck wishes.. he's gone.. just like that.. i guess he is too sad(or no balls mebbe?) to tell the truth.. i was left with no choice but to accept it.. i wanted to wish him luck with a new life but i couldnt come near to him.. i wanted to send him wedding gift.. but i cant.. it's just too painful to wish luck to someone that breaks your heart very deeply.. what will happen to the broken hearted one.. so, whenever i think of him, i wish myself, best of luck for my future undertakings as the heartbreaker doesnt seem to feel guilty enough to wish good things for the future as he already ruined the past and present me.. why did I wait.. i guess, i trusted him so much and i was all out for him, to support him.. but, phew, things just didnt happen the way we want it to be.. i was sick for weeks.. yes.. fever, headache resulted from constant crying-to-sleep routine.. i fight.. it's not easy as i missing him very badly till today.. and im still working on it and it's difficult and sounds very remote and painful.. and me, im up, ready to get going to my single not so youthful days while i recover from "missing him sickness"..

Another one, with so many mentally challenged scenarios happening to me, i decided to be the tuds gals.. wear tudung.. everywhere except when im with my muhrim.. yeah.. tuds.. sounds cool.. it's been exactly 21 days.. i regret that i didnt do this much sooner.. god knows how much sins piling up for revealing the long black hair of mine.. ampunkan aku Ya Allah..

I guess that Ive let go 2 past for a whole new present.. I pray for more good deeds to compensate the pain ive gone thru all these years.. Things happen for reasons.. Amin..