let me cry to myself..

when i think things getting better,he knew when exactly to come and shit on me..
probably, oh, maybe she's happy and ready to move on, stop her and let her continue suffer.. what the fuck..

he that bastard came into my life again.. calls after calls.. i ignored.. emails after emails.. i forwarded to his wife.. he just sent me one sms that totally wreck me off..

he was saying, he really need me, he's not happy with the marriage that not even 2 months.. and most fucking thing that really pisses me off, he's not happy and i should not move on..

i burst.. with tears.. why on earth this guy can become as the love of my life.. he is so mean and selfish..

im on my medication for what.. to recover from what he did.. im a heavy smoker coz im still missing him and need to wash my brain off with narcotine.. im so messed up coz i can barely manage myself coz my thoughts full of him and i am struggling to move on..

fuck hot date and that cyber guy.. they cant even make me forget him.. it's not their fault.. it's purely my fault to not able handle my emotion..

what should i do.. can we just delete the unwanted memories... i dont even want to remember his name, his look, his kiss and everything about him..

he will still bug me with all the sms and emails.. fuck him.. go and make babies and stop bugging me.. let me go on with my life.. i cant even say this to him.. im too pissed off to even say a word to him..

just let me cry to myself..

too different..

it's true.. cyber world and reality is totally the opposite..
never trust cyber world..

met him last nite..

mood : disappointed

my new prozac..

it was really unplanned.. i tot im going to date the 'hot date'.. nevermind.. i still keeping him KIV becoz he is too hot to let him go.. but things turn the other way around..

ive never met him before but we chat almost everyday.. it all started by small fight over the blog (my other blog.. tempat aku merepek daa).. and tup tup today, i started to fell for him..

not coz of looks (saw his picture.. definitely not having the look that im looking for).. but he makes me happy.. his jokes and care fill my day everyday and sometimes override the thoughts that i actually looking forward for the concert with my 'hot date'..

it was crazy coz i thot i will never feel like this.. coz it all sink with my prozac.. but he is my new prozac..

getting better

prozac really helped.. my next appointment will be this tuesday.. i feel great.. i feel normal..

to add on, he came back.. again.. i really dont know what he really up to.. and i dont give a damn anymore.. im so ready to move on..

got a hot date for concert in philharmonic coming on early september..

later.. :D

mood : real good..

jijak la tanah..

a fren dragged me for mengeteh session at one cool cafe near my place.. 4 of them.. all worried of me sbb tak jijak tanah for 3 days..

it felt good though enjoying the crowd at 1 am in the morning.. at one point, i dozed off on the table in the crowd for few minutes before they shake my hand to wake up..

a fren followed me to my place to make sure i reach home safely.. i did.. straight to my bed and dozeddddd offf.. i didnt realize when she left... teruk gile.. apa punye ubat daa..

4th day

4th day on Prozac..

i feel like my mind has stopped processing.. numb..
i can hardly open my eyes..
i didnt go to work today.. enjoying the meds..
my whole is a mess.. i just want to lie around..

this is not me.. this is prozac.. it should make me feel better, why arent i...

sleepy..

3rd day on Prozac and Rivotril..

All i want to is sleep.. this pills really take my minds off from everything.. so relax yet, so sleepy.. all i can think off is my warm cozy bed.. i can even dozed off while driving.. i took one after i reach office every morning and one at night..

on my 3rd day, i havent feel anything tremendous yet but sleepiness..

more to update later.. dr says i can eventually feel it after 2 weeks of medication...

stone and high..

i met a pschyciatrist today..
done few q and a session..
what he categorized me as major depression with inhidonia.. apa tuh.. aku pon tatau..
2 medicine for me to take for few weeks to actually increase chemical thing in my brain.. apa ntah.. and another one to numb the feeling..
whatever..
prozac and rivotril..
i hope this will work..
i took the med this morning, and im up in the sky.. floating.. stone and high..
but, where this will take me..

i did it..

i really given a deep thought about this.. and today i did it..
why do i care so much about how he feels coz obviously he's enjoying his moments..

i forwarded all his begging emails to his wife..
i want her to know that i want to stop all this, i want to move on and i dont want him to bug me anymore..

have a little mercy ok..
it's a big favor for everyone, for me, for her, for him olso..

fragile

one lovely sunday morning..

yesterday was disaster..

ive always thought that i can handle this situation.. i can handle the painful, hurt, feelings.. but i totally cant hide it..

saturday's ritual, i always spend with my brothers and my mom, eating out, shopping, movies, laughing all day long.. i thought i can hide it, put everything behind and hide it..
but i cant..

his photos.. his words and promise keep playing in my mind.. non stop.. i fainted in the crowd while having lunch..

i am very devastated.. i know i should put this behind and move forward.. but i cant help it..

i cant help it really, im just human, fragile one..

he's happy, me?

i saw his wedding photo in the internet.. the wedding look grand and lavish.. he also looks happy.. he looks like someone else.. like a person i never knew..

it was painful to see him with someone else on that photo..

very painful..

and i reply to his email with that photo with one sentence.. u look happy..

bastard that i miss..

i was surprised to receive emails from him.. yesterday and today..

"i ada masalah, need to talk "
"miss you, cant stop thinking about u at all.. "

i cant stop wondering, how can this be so coincident.. im freaking missing him like crazy and he just know what second to barge in.. fuck him..

i cudnt believe my eyes.. and i cudnt believe what im feeling either.. i realized that he is such a bastard.. got nerve to tell me, miss me and need to talk to me after 4 years of relationship, 2 years of waiting and he blew it off over hundreds of kunun2 second chances, and last break up was thru 1 fucking sms, I FAILED..

anyone stupid can analyze what shit is putting into my plate.. fuck him.. fuck him..

i dont need this man.. is this ego?

this is real hurt deep cut he'd given me for me to remember for the rest of my life..

what should i do about him.. i miss him but i want to kill himm..

arghh.. such a mess..